


But I'm only Human

by Jeageractive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Mortal Eren, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 09:58:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1424317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeageractive/pseuds/Jeageractive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Eren comes to him in the middle of the night practically begging for relief, Levi gives it to him.</p><p>His payback for taking away such a beautiful creature was an ultimate bitch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I bleed when I fall down

**Author's Note:**

> Um...just a heads up with no spoilers, this is kind of sad. :/

Corporal Levi makes his decision, acts upon it and does not regret. That was a personal affirmation he would not change.

But he makes a decision one day that left no room or time for regret, a line crossed with no return.

It was around an hour before dawn when he hears soft knocking on his door, and being the light sleeper he was, almost instantly opens his eyes and pads along the worn floor boards.

He wasn't sure what to expect, but a disheveled, red rimmed eyed Eren fully strapped minus the gear itself was definitely not something he had in mind. 

Eren looked utterly lost as he limply stared down at his boots, his eyes said it all. It must've been a rough night.

Levi rubbed at his eyes tiredly."What are you doing?" It was awfully dark.

"Can I come in?" He said in a hoarse voice. Nightmares, Levi concluded. Without another word, he drew the door open and went inside,the sound of Eren's boot's following behind.

The Corporal realized, as he took a seat in his desk chair, that he was also still in the uniform's pants and shirt for some reason, and he couldn't remember when he'd fallen asleep anyway.

When he looked up again, Eren was sitting across from him on the couch, head supported by his hands.

Neither of them spoke for a very long stretch of silence. Levi wasn't able to give comfort, and he knew that Eren understood this very well, so sympathy was definitely not what the boy was looking for. 

It was a different kind of comfort, the comfort of being in the same room with someone who deep down empathizes, someone who'll consider only the humanity of your feelings.

"I'm tired, sir. I'm sick of this." the boy finally said.

'I know', Levi didn't say.

"I don't want to be hope. I don't want to be the only hope. It's not fair, you know? That I couldn't choose to be a normal human being."

The raven had opted to grabbing a candle as the other said this, resuming his seat as it flickered and gave the room a hot glow.

Eren still hadn't lifted his head up."I could've- I could've just fought along side humanity to give hope. So it can be the responsibility of everyone. Not just- Whenever I see those kids, the ones that marvel at us and stare from the sidelines, something burns inside of me because I- I can't. I can't do anything for them. I used to be the same one, the same kid looking up at my saviors."His voice trembled with inexplicable emotion.

"You're still that kid, Eren." Levi never failed to point this out, because honestly, that was the utter cruelty of the situation. An inexperienced little thing that shouldn't be worried about anything beyond his looks and his girls, still at the ripe age of ignorant bliss. But instead, the burden of an entire race is put on his shoulders.

"I can't. I've always fought, fought, fought. I'm so sick of fighting. I can't do it anymore."  
His resolve was crumbling into bits. He dropped his hands onto his lap, revealing an expression of defeat the Corporal never thought he'd ever witness the boy bearing.

"What is it that you want, Eren?"

"Nothing attainable in such a life."

There was a dead silence after that, no tension, apprehension or anything in the air. Just...emptiness.

Levi made his decision then. The candle's light died between his thumb and index finger, the only sound being his footsteps as he got up and trod over to his small dresser. If Eren was gaurded or confused, he didn't show it any way.

The drawer made a grating noise as it was pulled open, the item extracted, and as it was shut again. 

Pitch, heavy darkness lingered in every crevice of the room, and Levi was able to make his way to the couch only by memory.

Eren didn't utter a word or move an inch as a small whoosh from above him distinguished the Corporal's presence, or when calloused fingers traced a trail from his nape to the tufts of hair falling on his neck.

Lips ghosted on his forehead for a small second, before everything went cold at the press of metal against his chest.

A deafening noise ripped through the air and the boy went limp in his touch.

A second and final shot went off. The pistol slipped from lifeless fingers and dropped to the ground with a loud clank.


	2. I have died everyday waiting for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooh human and a thousand years! I'm so original.

It's been so long. Agonizingly slow days go by, which turn into months, which turn into years, and then turn into lifetimes.

 

He's tired. So, so incredibly drained, that his once guilt and regret occupied mind ceased into hollow, soundless emptiness. The universe absolutely loathed him, toyed with him life after life, and just when he thought it'd be alright, when darkness made his vision fade, that maybe it could possibly just be over, everything starts all over again. He wasn't sure if he could even count the times he commited suicide and tried to escape, but where could someone run from an inevitable twisted fate?

 

It's been exactly a thousand years since Levi killed both him and Eren.

 

Everyone's there. Every single damn one of them was there every single time, but the only one that mattered never was.

 

He'd find Mikasa, his heart would thump in his chest again, but would instantly die out at her answer. 'Am I suppose to know such a person?'

 

Yes, god fucking dammit, He wouldn't say.

 

He tried to move on. Tried to forget the memories chained to him, getting heavier by the second. But then he'd look at someone, and the image etched into his mind would burn bright. Not the right amount of turquoise. Not the same shade of chestnut brown, not the same dips and curves.

 

Not Eren.

 

And that was it. He truly had murdered the boy forever. There had been titans, there were incarcerating walls, there was no justice in that world, but there was Eren. And like an ungrateful bastard he simply took his life away.

Levi deserved this.

His current life, mere existence, for a better word, was outwardly like any other in his context. He goes to university for a distraction, no reason to stay unoccupied with only his inner turmoil.

Erwin and Hanji declare themselves his best friends. They don't remember anything, don't question his character and tendencies. The same as every other time.

Something completely different finally happened one day. Levi usually rose early in the morning to catch the Metro when the station was always empty to avoid the bustle of passengers, but today Erwin and Hanji wanted to tag along with the raven.

This of course belated them for almost an hour, and the place was crowded with rowdy teenagers clustered everywhere by the time they were there. He chose the narrow platform whith less people on it for obvious reasons, and stood awaiting the soon to come rapid transit.

 

Hanji was talking his ear off about something he wasn't paying attention to, and he busied himself by putting on his gloves and fixing his scarf for a minute. When he looked up again, he was greeted with a sight that didn't surprise him as much as it did the first time.

 

He met the eyes of Mikasa Ackerman exactly across from them on the parallel platform, who had glanced at him by conicidence, and without a flicker of anything like recognition or contemplation she looked away.

Levi was about to look down again when he caught sight of the person standing beside her.

 

And the world just fucking stopped, halted dead in it's tracks.

 

Don't make a mistake, Levi thought as he scrutinized the boy. His face was a little obscured because he was gazing down at his phone, fingers flying over the screen. Chestnut brown bangs contributed in hiding his features. Shit. It was _the_ hair, the one perfect in all it's mussy chaos.

 

Hanji was tapping his shoulder, trying to tell him something that he probably didn't give a damn about.

 

Mikasa turned to him and said something the raven couldn't hear. The boy seemed to be ignoring her, and after repeating her self, opted to tugging his ear harshly. He flinched, whipped his head in her direction and brought a gloved hand to his ear, bearing a kicked yet angry puppy expression.

 

And just like that, Levi felt his heart knock wildly against his chest. It hasn't moved for a long while.

It was him, he was standing right there, in all his endearing expressions, his hand gestures, his lip movements, his gorgeous eyes, creased brow and god he was...he was _alive_.

She said something that brought a smile to his face and he absentmindedly glanced around, probably seeing if he could catch a glimpse of the metro. Turquoise eyes darted over to where Levi was standing, almost flitting away before returning to stare fixedly.

 

Levi wasn't sure if he was breathing anymore, because Eren was just staring at him, as if unraveling what hid behind stormy grey with the intensity of his gaze.

 

_Do you remember?_

It was intense, yes. But not a hint of recognition showed in his eyes.

 

The spell was broken by a loud rumbling noise, and the brunet disappeared behind a blur of white and blue, and suddenly the metro stopped and completely blocked Levi's view.

 

When Hanji tried to usher him into the transit he shook his head and asked them to go on ahead. They complied, and Levi stared at the transit as it swept passed him in a blur again, a desperate hope channeling his actions.

 

The compartments finally all cleared out of the way. He studied where the two were previously standing, and found it really dark and cold all of a sudden. Something clouded his vision, and he shut his eyes only to have a tear slip down his cheek.

 

Eren was gone again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY THE HELL IS THE SAME NOTE HERE


	3. One step closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really don't like writing Levi in an indifferent monotone mood all the time, and I like revealing the emotional side of him because it really does exist, okay.
> 
> ASTFGGGH I'M SORRY THIS UPDATE IS short
> 
> Levi interfered :o

Levi walked back home just as it started to snow lightly, ignoring Hanji and Erwin's texts as they fired away. He was absolutely done with everything. He thought that it had hurt before, but this was fucking inhuman pain. It felt like his heart was clenched in an iron grip, and it hurt, god it fucking hurt so much.

 

He managed not to look like a dumped teen as he walked down the cold streets, bottled it up like every other time. He should be used to this.

 

No. He shouldn't. He didn't live with the knowledge that Eren was alive every other time. This was so much worse, knowing he was there, but at the same time that he remembered nothing.

 

That he didn't remember the earnest promise he made one day.

 

_I'd willingly die for you, Corporal, if it meant I could save you. But if I couldn't...Then we'll just die together._

 

He reached the front door, and his fingers were trembling, he had to jam the keys so many times before he could finally get in.

 

_If there's something after this life, whatever it is, I'd go with you. There's no one else I'd want to spend eternity with._

 

Liar. Levi bitterly thought as he stumbled inside, discarding his jacket and gloves unceremoniously. He was subconsciously making his way to a room he hasn't stepped foot into in years.The light dimly illuminated what was pristine now covered in a layer of dust, and Levi carelessly flipped through the masses of canvas until he found a clear one, before fixing it on an easel.

 

His hands were itching, his heart erratic, his vision almost hazy with the pressure his mind was going through.

 

_My feelings were never this intense. I love you so much, that i'm starting to hate you._

 

Grey blue eyes darted around the room until they fell on a certain box, and he heaved it off of the shelf and dropped it by the easel. He was still shaken up from the previous event, and he almost blindly grabbed bottles of paint, knowing that they would be the right colors anyway.

 

_Why the fuck does it have to be like this? I wish I never met you in the first place._

 

The bottle made a loud squelch as Levi clenched it tightly, and with a few flicks of his wrist he had it splattered just in the right places. It took a few effortless strokes of an old, worn brush, the hiss of spray cans and the sounds of vigorous rustling before Levi was unable to do it anymore, weary physically as well as emotionally drained.Before he could fall down to the floor, he tossed one last stream of crimson over the canvas before dropping everything in his hands and then to his knees.

 

He balled his fists against his thighs and sobbed breathlessly, cried like a fucking lost, helpless child.

 

Then he covered the canvas with some drapery before locking the room again, unable to meet the blood stained face of Eren Jaeger today, or any other.

 

* * *

 

Levi woke up extra early the next day to catch the transit when the station would be completely empty. He couldn't take the risk of seeing Eren again, that fleeting moment had done enough damage already.

 

He wanted to see Eren, hold him, apologize, but at the same time he wanted to be as far away from him as possible. Eren now had a life, had a chance to be happy and unburdened by their past memories, and if Levi came into the picture he just might ruin him again.

 

Maybe he can finally do him some justice after all.

 

Dead leaves crunched under his boots as he made his way to the university, hands stuffed in his pockets and nose buried in his weaved scarf. He spent the hour before his first lecture reviewing certain topics for lack of a better thing to do.

 

He was walking down the hallway to his class when someone tapped his shoulder, mumbling an,"Um, excuse me..." and he turned around, glanced up and froze, almost taking a step back. 

 

Because none other than Eren Jaeger stared back at him.

 

"Oh, I think I've seen you at the Metro station." The brunet voiced his thoughts after blinking at the older."Anyway, this is my first day here and I'm kind of lost. Could you please tell me were room 104 E is?" He smiled sheepishly, scratching at the back of his neck.

 

_You haven't changed much._

 

The raven had to restrain a quirk of his lips at the memory. It was Eren's early days at their headquarters, and Levi was grooming his horse when the boy came into the stables.

 

_"Corporal, Levi sir!" He was running, and halted as he said this, bringing a fist to his chest and inclining his chin in a quick salute. The corporal paused mid brush stroke, A hint of alarm adorning his features at the brunet's rushed manner._

 

_"What is it?"_

 

_Turquoise eyes fluttered rapidly for a moment, as if he hadn't considered the question himself. "Oh, uh..." His rigid stance went lax, and he scratched at the back of his neck."I can't find the shower rooms. I woke up a little late, and everyone was already there by the time I did."_

 

_Levi turned his attention back to the horse just to hide a small upward curve of his lips."First floor, five doors from the mess hall."_

 

_"Thank you, sir." He heard Eren say, before he was jogging back to the building._

 

_Endearing little shit._

 

When Eren's question went unanswered after a long moment, he apologized."Sorry, I'm probably wasting your time. I'll try to figure it out on my own."

 

He was about to walk away when Levi finally spoke."Give me the map." Eren gave him a grateful smile and handed him the requested piece of paper. Levi pulled out a pen and drew a line to indicate where he should go from here, before giving it back to him.

 

"Thank you, er...Your name?"

 

Something stung hard in the raven's chest at the question, but he managed to answer with his same indifferent demeanor."Levi."

 

"Well, thank you Levi. Oh, I'm Eren by the way. "

 

 _I know._ Levi never did say.

 

He stood still for another moment as he heard Eren's footsteps fade away. 

 

This was one thing he absolutely had not expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing.


	4. I can hold my breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi hasn't seen Eren's mom in their previous life. Just clarifying. Although it's obvious.
> 
> The chapter titles are so unorganized XD

Levi thought he had quit art.

 

But here he was, strolling through a street full of family owned businesses and other un-branched shops, his destination being a small, obscured art shop with everything he needed. Paint was out of the question, it would only hurt him to expose his mind in such vivid colors and have to see it more than once. He needed something more dull, maybe charcoal and graphite. But at the end of the day, nothing new would come from his art. Only the past that was etched into his mind, and putting it on paper is the equivalent of screaming to his heart's content in a desolate area.

 

A soft jingling from above the glass doors made Levi's presence known, and he gladly stepped into the warmth of the shop, realizing a little too late that he probably should have worn something more protecting than a light sweater. But he'd worry about that later, it was cozy and familiar here.

 

Gunmetal blue eyes swept around the shop to find it generally the way he'd seen it before in terms of set up, with of course a few new items here and there. He decided to exchange a few words of greeting with the store owner, a charismatic middle aged lady who he'd grown fond of so easily.

 

The reception desk was empty, and Levi glanced around as he leaned an arm around the counter."Anyone here?" he asked a moment later.

 

His response was some shuffling noises from the staff room.

 

The door creaked open, and Levi assumed his jaw was on the counter because  _what the hell why was Eren Jaeger stepping out of the room in an employee shirt._

 

The brunet seemed to be surprised himself, but easily got over it and greeted Levi with a grin."You're everywhere! Seriously, is this even coincidence?"

 

 _Maybe it's fate._ Levi just shrugged at that."And you suddenly work here?"

 

"It's been my mom's shop since forever, and I decided to take the job cuz you know, son discounts and all, I mean if she's in a good mood."

 

"Carla's your mother?"  _I should've known. There always was a strange resembelance between the two._

 

"Yeah. You know her?"

 

"Came here a couple of times before."

 

Eren nodded at that, still with a smile that seemed to be so natural on his face. It was strange to see it replacing the everlasting grave crease of his brow and the firm pressing of his lips together, but it definitely wasn't unpleasant. 

 

"So, can I help you with something?"

 

"No, I'll just grab my stuff. I know this place well."

 

"Okay. I'm here if you need anything."

 

Levi couldn't help but let his stare a linger for a bit longer at those words, to which Eren just warmly smiled back.

 

 _Are you really?_ he silently questioned as he turned around and walked towards a specific aisle, making sure that his thoughts hadn't slipped into his expression.

 

Levi really liked the shop's atmosphere, quiet, with barely audible music playing in the background, barely any people, and times like this it was only him. He picked out a few sketchbooks and pencils before going back to the front desk and setting his items down on it.

 

"There's like, a blizzard going on out there." Eren murmured, motioning towards the window as he scanned a sketchbook.

 

Levi took a glance at the glass, where nothing but headlights of cars on the street were visible and the occasional person walking by the shop, all clouded by the mass of snow and fog. He shrugged to convey his uncaring manner."My house is barely a ten minute walk from here."

 

"But still." Eren said as he placed the items in a bag and handed them to Levi."You'll catch a cold with what you're wearing."

 

"You sound exactly like your mother. I'm fine." He paid and was about to leave when Eren asked him to wait. He disappeared into the staff room and returned a moment later with a red bundle in his arm, then maneuvered around the desk and stood in front of Levi.

 

The older blinked up at him questioningly, and before he could protest, a heavy scarf was wrapped around his neck at least five times. Eren smiled when he was done and lifted it up so it covered Levi's nose.

 

 _This should be for Mikasa._  

 

"My mom knitted it herself. You can keep it if you like."

 

" _You'll_ get a cold this way."

 

"Nah, I've grown this weird immune system to the cold. My body temperature is higher than average."

 

Levi lifted his chin a bit so the scarf could fall beneath his mouth, parting his lips to say something but then stopping. His shoulders went lax and he smiled a bit, a small curve that you'd miss if you weren't paying close attention."Thanks."

 

Eren did the same motion for some odd reason, opening his mouth to say something as if enthusiastic before catching himself and uttering a simple "You're welcome."

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another shitty short update.


	5. I can fake a smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot goes along so much. Some revelation of Eren's pov here.
> 
> * I'm not a doctor, I apologize if some of the medical information is innacurate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGHH this chapter is so ugly.

Maybe he was imagining it, but Levi could still make out a lingering scent of Eren every time he dipped his head into the warm scarf. Not the artificial scents he used, but of him,literally. So he kept it, of course, wore it whenever he could, and that was easier since it was winter.

 

His idea of staying out of Eren's life had progressively become more difficult. Especially since he was the one who initiates all the friendly gestures, and Levi absolutely didn't have the heart to ignore him then. 

 

 _But you had the heart to kill him._ He would always remind himself. Remind was probably the wrong word to put it- because it was never off his mind. Whether asleep or awake, he thought, and thought, and thought, and regretted, until he couldn't think anymore. Until he felt himself tip on the edge of sanity.

 

_Am I even sane?_

 

Memories of a thousand years. All of bitter despair. After all of that...what was sanity, even?

 

No sanity. No credibility.  _Nothing is real. I created my own reality._

 

No. _No._

 

How could he know Eren, then? All of them, before he even met them? Everything to know about someone who had always existed, he knew. How he looked like. How he felt like. How he acted. How he smiled. 

 

How he could make Levi cry. There was nothing more real than him, no matter what logic and  _sanity_ says. 

 

Eren had always existed, the titanic age existed, every single painful moment of his lives existed. And even if Eren would never know that all of this exists, it's alright. Levi convinces himself this with a painful swallow of his selfish wants.

 

But what Eren tells him a week after their meeting in the art shop truly throws him off, blows his mind and leaves him in an agitated state of conflict. A fucking confused mess, to put it simply.

 

He wasn't in the mood for the closest cafeteria's menu, so he takes the small trek to the food court in another wing instead. The crowd was a huge pain, but didn't delay him much because of the abundance in different fast food restaurants. 

 

How Eren found him in the crowd, Levi didn't know, but didn't mind either.

 

"Can I sit here?" The brunet inquired as he stood holding his tray, and Levi wondered for a second how he expected him to say no with that smile. He gladly took the seat across from Levi when he got a small nod in return. Levi didn't fail to notice the blond and raven girl sitting a few tables away, the latter burning holes in the side of his head with her glare. That seemingly hasn't changed either.

 

They made small talk at first, Eren of course doing most of the talking, about why Levi suddenly showed up here, each other's majors, and a few more things that probably makes them a bit more than acquaintances. Eren was unusually open and just didn't think about what he was saying, and Levi couldn't help but question it.

 

"Are you like this with all the people you barely know?"

 

The younger paused mid chew, and he took a moment to swallow his food and another one after that before answering."Like what? As in being nice?"

 

"I'm not trying to offend you or anything. You're just very open."

 

He shrugged at that."I guess it's just- I don't know, there's always that person you feel like you know longer than you actually do, you know? You just give me that feeling."He tilted his head to the side, looking at Levi as if he was a code hard to decipher.

 

Said man felt his breath hitch at his unintentional choice of words, ducking his head for a moment with a clenched jaw and shut eyes.

 

"Isn't weird?" Eren continued obliviously, taking Levi's gesture as something akin to embarrassment.

 

"Yeah." He lifted his head up, eyes anywhere but at Eren's face."I feel the same about you." 

 

"I wanna tell you something, just, don't laugh okay?" 

 

"Do I look like someone to be easily amused?"

 

"Well, no,but, I've told this to two other people before, one just laughed at me and the other blamed it on my imagination or whatever. And I don't think you're the type to judge people."

 

"That's true."  _Who am I to judge._

 

"Do you have nightmares too?"

 

The question caught him off guard, and he almost choked on his sip of coffee. Eren's face heated up when he saw the expression Levi was bearing.

 

"I-I'm sorry, I just-"

 

"Yes,I know I look sleep deprived." Levi interjected."And yes I do have nightmares. Consistently."

 

Eren played with his food for a small second before returning his attention to Levi."So do I. It really gets on my nerves though, because t's been happening since so long. I wake up with a soaked pillow, choking on a sob with this numbing pain in my chest. Because of really vivid and like, majorly graphic dreams that you breathe after when you wake up in your own bed."

 

Levi drummed his fingers against his knees in impatient anticipation, not sure what he wants to hear but at the same time knowing full well that he wants to hear it.

 

"And then I try to remember in the morning, but it's all gone. I want to remebmer so bad but I can't."

 

Levi couldn't believe this."You don't remember anything at all? Not even something from all those times."

 

"Well, once I saw these..." He paused for a moment as if trying to find the right words."I just knew that they were walls in my dreams. I was standing at the foot of one and almost breaking my neck trying to catch a glimpse of the top, and then I stumbled and fell on my back. And I saw the end of it. I was a kid in there for some reason, too." he breathed a laugh at that last one, before rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

 

When he didn't get anything in response to that, he looked up at Levi again.

 

"It's almost time to go, and I have to get prepped for my next class. See you soon." 

 

The brunet opened his mouth to say something, but closed it quickly when he saw Levi grab his bag and tray and toss the barely touched contents of it into the trash.

 

He watched Levi disappear into the bustle of students before glancing at his wrist watch. There were still twenty minutes of lunch left.

 

* * *

 

Eren sat on the rigid hospital chair with his head in his hands, clenching his jaw tightly to avoid a scream. His migraines were chronic, and he'd been able to handle them every other time but this was unbearable. Mikasa was sitting beside him, her hand against his back in what little comfort she could offer. Armin was doing some paper work for Eren, and he didn't want this, he just wanted some fucking Tylenol before his head exploded.

 

Finally, they were called in to see the doctor.

 

"Has the patient Eren Jaeger had any head injuries recently?"The doctor cut straight to the chase, having some sympathy as to not directly ask Eren and make him speak.

 

"No." Mikasa answered."Nothing was wrong with him, he just suddenly passed out."

 

The doctor nodded and a nurse came in at that moment, handing him some papers. He took one glance at them before furrowing his brow and taking his glasses off."The MRI scan shows the development of a brain tumor and all other tests support this. Apparently it is a case of primary glioblastoma, a common and rapid growing brain cancer. Treatment must be started as soon as possible."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sings* Trololololololo
> 
> haha no I'm sorry.


	6. Every breath, every hour has come to this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS  
> LOOK AT DA TITLE  
> *hyperventilates excitedly*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really dislike writing hanji as non-binary.So I won't.
> 
> I realized I skip so much spaces when writing.

There was that itch in his fingers again. The one that couldn't be relieved until he was sitting in front of the canvas and throwing paint with no real planning.

He started with concrete grey this time. No shades, just grey with a small freckle-like scatter of black. Grey, the entire canvas except for a small sliver of blue at the top. And then the most important component, the one you'll find a hint of in most of his paintings, and in technical terms his muse. Shades of the softest brown to the darkest, blended with a few maroon strokes, forming the image of a little boy. When that was done, he stared at it critically, nothing disturbing his thoughts except maybe the dead silence of his home, which he could never get used to. It was missing something. It was missing the necessary emotion, which currently could be taken as something like content. He would be the only one knowing that something huge was missing, the entire purpose, in fact.

He blended a darker shade of grey and began working. An elegant, royal face, and a crown all in profile at the upper part of the grey wall. Something you'd probably see on a coin. But in actuality, it was the source of all their miseries.

Rose, it was named. When it was nothing but thorns. It was finished, he decided, tilting his head a little a little to give it a look. It hurt, too, hurt so much just looking at it, and he wanted to cover this one, too, like the other three in the room.

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone blaring in the quiet room, and he fished it out of his pocket. Hanji's cheerful selfie appeared on the screen and he rolled his eyes, unable to remember when she'd managed to take a picture with his phone.

"Hello." He answered, no tone of inquiry in his voice. He kept the phone in place by pressing it on to his shoulder so he could use his arms freely.

"Levi! Hi. Are you doing anything today?"She sounded rushed and excited.Nothing new.

"No...not really." He wouldn't mind company. Paint bottles made loud thumps as they were stacked back into the bin.

"Great! We're coming over."

"Uh...you mean Erwin by 'we'?"

"No, silly, Erwin, Eren and me! Don't be so inhospitable."

"Wait." Levi wrinkled his nose in confusion."Like, Eren Jaeger?"

"I'm pretty sure he's the only Eren we know."

"Exactly. When the hell did you know Eren?"

"When you were too busy avoiding him. Anyway, we'll be there in thirty. Bye!"

"No, Hanji-" The line clicked and beeped before he could finish. He threw it to the ground with a huff and his gloves followed, before standing up with his hands on his hips and thoughtfully glaring at the floor. He wasn't ready to talk to him or see him, and really, what could he say? Nothing. He wanted Eren to understand, but he wouldn't if Levi just started rattling off what's in his messed up mind.

But if he didn't, then how the hell would Eren know? Exactly, he wouldn't, so Levi just has to keep quiet. Words aren't enough. They never were for him.

He threw his brushes in the cup of water on the stool so they wouldn't be a bitch to clean once dry. Without much thought, he kept everything in place, turned the light off and swung the door behind him, but it never clicked in place.

 

* * *

 

"...and then Eren just stared at me like I was a fucking lunatic, and that's how we became best friends." Hanji enthusiastically concluded with a broad grin. Eren just smiled sheepishly from his place beside her but Erwin noticed how his eyebrow twitch every now and then. His smile was clearly forced, but apparently from something not even close to concerning Hanji.

"It's nice to be with you guys, honestly."

Hanji 'aww'ed and pinched his cheek, and he breathed a small laugh."You can come to my dorm any time, or Erwin's. This one's so barbaric, he can't believe he has a home so he wouldn't share."

"I worked for it, bitch." Levi called from the kitchen, and Hanji shrugged.

"Who even works for anything anymore?"

"Excuse me, where's the washroom?"

"Oh, down the hall and right."

Hanji failed to notice how sick he looked all of a sudden, and his unusually pale face.

As soon as he'd disappeared down the hall, Levi came in with tea."Where's the kid? Scared him away?"

"He went to the washroom. Looking ready to pass out, to be honest."Erwin answered.

Levi tried not to let the small twinge of concern be apparent in his expression."Hell, the tea isn't even for you freeloaders. Have it anyway, I'll go make sure he isn't dying somewhere."He set it down onto the coffee table and walked back.

"He's so caring and considerate."Hanji squealed.

"Oh, I know."

Levi ignored them and went down the hall, only to see Eren leaning against a door and peeking inside his mini studio."Oi."The brunet jumped."What are you doing?"

Eren threw an apologetic glance over his shoulder, but didn't close the door."Sorry, Hanji said it was the room on the right. And,uh, I got a little distracted."

"And you actually trusted her? That woman knows how to make a fucking rocket, but still doesn't know her right hand from her left one."

"Is this where you keep your art?"

"Well, obviously."

Then, tentatively,"Can I take a look?"

He should've refused and locked the door right there, but he didn't. Eren always made him work reversed. He gave him a shrug and the younger practically beamed, before throwing the door open and stepping inside. Levi felt his heart race as he followed him, that same fragment of unidentified hope from the day before resurfacing.

He wanted him to remember, selfish as it was. But at the same time he knew that the chances of it were very slim. This wasn't Amnesia. It was something that never had happened to him as far as he knew.

But then...there were his dreams.

The first thing Eren noticed, of course, was Levi's most recent piece. He stopped in front of it for a moment, speculating, eyes curious and marveling.

"This is..." His eyes trailed to Levi with that same awestruck glint in his eyes."...exactly like my dream."

"It was interesting." Levi didn't lie, only told some of the truth.

"But-but this is the exact same-even the...the queen?" Tan fingers ran over the image of the lady etched into the wall."I didn't tell you about this part. I don't think I even remembered it, up until now. How...how did you...?"

Levi licked his lips. He hadn't thought about that."Coincidence?"

"No, no." Eren shook his head."This is...I've seen this before."

Levi studied Eren's face carefully."In a dream?" he tried.

"...No."Eren whispered, brow furrowed.

The older felt the hairs at the back of his neck bristle, and his jaw locked, numbed. Eren was dying with curiosity, it was all evident in his eyes, and he moved from the painting on the easel to where a bunch of paintings were stacked in a huge organizer.

He crouched down and balanced himself on the balls of his feet, before pulling the first one. He stared at the dark greens and blocky, mismatched wings in the middle for a long while."Is this the back of someone?I mean, if the top part's a neck."

"Yeah."

He gazed back down at it, again running a hand over it to feel the texture. The exposed nape of the neck had a diamond shaped part of flesh standing out, almost as if sliced, with strings of pinkish red of somethings attached to the neck. He wordlessly put it down and took out the next, and scrutinized it as he did before. This time it was a desk, and the view was of the occupant, the drawer being opened by a hand in a beige cuff jacket. The drawer was overfilling with palm sized patches with the same wing design, all adorned with stains of old and sometimes new blood.

Eren visibly quivered, but still remained silent, and reached for the next. Saw every single one of them and Levi still couldn't understand what he was thinking. Blurred glimpses of titans, walls, blood, tears, wings, gloomy green, the glare of the sun against the metal of swords, bloody hands,  _and blood, so much blood._

There was only one that differed from the rest, and it was breath taking. They were eyes, drawn from an angle as if looking up at them, and they were half lidded and distant, dreamy. Thick, dark lashes shaded turquoise green orbs with a few flecks of amber, and a small sliver of the same color coming in wisps around the pupil.

Eren remained on the floor for a long moment after that, all the canvas scattered around him carelessly. He then abruptly got up and apologized for the mess.

Levi tried not to look too downcast at the lack of response on the paintings.

"I'm...I'm not feeling that well. I should probably go."

He didn't. He looked exactly like Erwin said. So Levi let him go without a word of protest or question. He didn't know how he spent the rest of the afternoon with Hanji and Erwin without bawling like a baby. Even when they left, and when he had the confinement of his small fixative smelling room all to himself, he couldn't do anything other than sit in front of a blank canvas and stare at the window as it poured endless rain and listen as thunder rumbled in the distance. Funny, it was snowing only two days ago.  

The silence was killing him, the tentativeness in everything was frustrating him, and he was confused and lost, _lost_ and unable to make ends meet. Everything was probability, Eren himself, his dreams, his reaction to the paintings, _nothing_ was confirmed. Levi wanted answers. No, he wanted a yes, I remember, I remember everything, I remember you.

He sighs, buries his head in his arms and tries to stop thinking. A useless motion, as expected that does him no change. He was just slightly surprised when his door bell rang in a frantic manner, once, twice, six times. Hanji was the only one who pulled a stunt similar to this before, banging his door down at ten pm and crying over her dead hamsters from an experiment gone wrong.

He took his time carrying himself to the door based on the assumption that it was Hanji, but he hadn't expected what was to come at all.

From a first glance it was Eren, arm against the door frame, head ducked and dripping, usually messy hair laying flat for once. Scratch that, he was entirely soaked with rain water,in nothing but a light track sweater, jeans and sneakers. He was wheezing, gasping for breath, and only when he looked up did Levi realize that it wasn't only water staining his face. It seemed he was out of breath from running, but also from crying, as he choked on a sob.

Levi couldn't move, only watched in stunned silence as he wailed like a child, cried for what seemed like ages at his door. He finally moved, first his right hand above his chest, balled into a weak fist, and the other tucked behind his back. Somewhere between sobs he whispered a barely audible,"Corporal."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the description of the third painting (with the desk) was inspired by a drawing I saw on tumblr earlier but I can't find it anymore


	7. I can take so much...till I've had enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm developing this weird tendency to constantly murder people.
> 
> And don't people, like change even into it's with reincarnation?haha whateves. And i can't write people kissing. Gotta learn.bear with me.

He heard it, above all the other noises of rain and thunder, but still refused to believe.

_Corporal._

His knees gave away, and they hit the floor without as much of a soft thud. Eren instantly followed, crouched down and wound an arm around Levi's little boned shoulders, his other around the small of his back to draw him close and bury his face in his neck. Fragile, so fragile and delicate to the touch to the point where Eren knew he had the power to break him, more so emotionally than physically. Fragile, and human, so, so _human_.

He tilted his head up and closed his eyes, let the rain batter against his skin, and took a moment to feel and hear; the heave of the boy's chest, shallow breaths and small whimpers against his neck, the strength in the arms that were holding him. Maybe he was dreaming, dozed off during that moment he set his head down and let his imagination run wild.

But if this feeling wasn't real, he didn't what was. So he murmured his name softly, got a yes of confirmation, said it again, was responded to with a yes, and again, maybe ten times, wanted to say it a thousand more but swallowed a breath and chose to believe.

Moved, a small twitch of a finger at first but then his hand was carding through wet clamps of hair, tracing a warm jaw despite the weather, lips finding the younger's and pressing to it's corner almost in an unconscious manner. Eren instantly reacted, a small quiver in his movements but still passionate, an upward inclination of his head to fit their lips together, and arms slung around Levi's shoulders.

Eren tasted like tears, rain, and what Levi could make out to be the coppery sting of blood.

Eren wasn't bleeding, that much Levi knew.

_But he was. A bullet to the chest, a small and final sputter, and a trail of red from his lips to his chin._

He all but jolted back from the brunet's warmth, and the only thing keeping him in place and from falling a foot back was the firm and relentless grip on his shoulders.

Eren's eyes questionably searched his suddenly frantic ones, still glistening with tears.

"What are you doing here?" Pale fingers that were gently pressing against his chest only moments ago bunched the fabric in a fist, but in no intention to hurt.

"Where else could I be?" He whispered, voice laced with disbelief. 

"You remember, Eren, don't you? You remember." 

"I do."

"I killed you. You remember...don't you?" His voice trembled and broke at the end of the sentence.

"You did what I couldn't do myself. Saved me like no one else could have, because they were too selfish to let me go." Eren's voice was tender,forgiving, and held a fondness Levi didn't know what he did to earn.

"So following you and leaving everyone else is what you consider selfless?"

Eren's lips broke into a small smile, the first genuine one that day, and that held an amount of gentle sadness that Levi couldn't quite fully comprehend."I would never have forgiven you if you hadn't followed me."

There wasn't much to say next; after all,words alone were never enough. The sky poured endlessly, and it was cold, numbingly so, but for now Eren's lips and embrace were more than enough warmth.

 

* * *

 

He stayed for the night, a night which Levi honestly still wasn't fully convinced happened, and this put him in a stage of momentary panic when he woke up and found the length of his arm falling on nothing but bed and sheets. He instantly woke up, almost beginning to believe that he was really dreaming, but eased slightly when he found a small note of excuse that Mikasa wanted him to be back, and his cell phone number. The idiot had forgotten his phone on the dresser and Levi was almost amused because it was something the brat was so likely to do.

There was also that nagging voice at the back of his mind telling him to expect the worst out of Eren's abrupt leaving. He was able to keep it at a minimum for the rest of the day, but when Wednesday came and Eren didn't pop out of nowhere and follow him around, he began to worry. 

If only he took his phone with him, that dumbass. He still was debating contacting Mikasa or someone else from Eren's phone, not wanting to rush matters when they could've been simple. When the same happened the next day though, Levi demanded why Eren wasn't at the university. Texts didn't work. Neither Mikasa or Armin responded. He called, too, but that was also left unanswered.

It was really, really aggravating. Eren couldn't have just run off like that, something must have happened. He didn't play games.At least, that's what Levi tried assuring himself.

Hell, he even asked Hanji, who shrugged and was honest when she said she had no idea of his whereabouts. This continued for three weeks, three fucking weeks straight with Eren's trio having vanished into thin air. Even their classmates and friends were confused, this happening with no further warning.

That didn't last much longer, and Levi wished it had.

Mikasa and Armin were back. And Eren came in the form of a slate on the public display board with his smiling face covering it.

Levi stood in front of said display board with his hands in his pockets, face still buried in the warmth of his red scarf as he had just entered the building. This was new. When the hell did Eren's face make it here, printed in high quality and adorning one of his most radiant and heart warming smiles.

He read the text, first thing after he took a glance at it. But then couldn't stop reading it repeatedly, without feeling so much as a twinge of anything.

**In Memory of Eren Jaeger**

**21, sophomore, deceased February 22/2014 -due to brain tumor belatedly treated.**

_Not a twinge of anything._ He meant it. He stared at it until he missed his first two classes, until he couldn't feel his legs anymore and until he couldn't see anything but the image of his fucking face when he glanced to the side. He then walked right back out, jaw locked as he tried to figure it out. He couldn't.

Couldn't feel. This made him angry, angry that he couldn't feel a single damn thing when Eren was presented to him dead.  _Dead._

It was a fitting description of his current lack of emotion. By the time he had reached home, everything flooded into his mind at once, and that everything was seething rage he experienced only once before. He had a better outlet the last time, he had the flesh of the female titan herself at his disposal. There was nothing right now to take it out on. The only person he does want to hurt is Eren, because he hates him, he hates him so fucking much, hates himself, hates his existence.

He's tired of having him within arms reach, but as soon as he touches him he fucking disintegrates into thin air.

 _One last time._ The only items discarded when he stumbles into his bathtub are his shoes and jacket. _I want to see him one last fucking time._

There was a razor in his hand one second, and in another thick blood swirling in tendrils around the drain. It felt good. It was a different kind of empty, of every emotional pang reducing along with the blood, leading to nothing but oblivion, however short this darkness was going to last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy-ish ending will come. promise.


	8. Darling, don't be afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They be happy, dem babes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sniffles and cries* last chap, guys. This is so much more lighthearted than all the others, though.

Papers rustled, his wrist went weary with the constant scribble of signatures, and smoke lingered heavily on his tongue and in the room. His everyday common senses were those, and also the frequent and unwelcome ring of the phone.

He picked it up and answered with a hum of inquiry.

"The person who applied for an internship is waiting to see you." The overly cheerful voice of his secretary, Petra, responded.

"Which one? There's a fuck ton of those."

"I don't know, haven't met him before."

"I'm not wasting any time, then."He was about to hang up when Petra urged him to hold on for a second.

"You can't continue to do this! Do you understand how bad it is for our reputation when almost one in forty interns are accepted?"

"This company is too popular for it's own good, and I've decided otherwise. I can do whatever the hell I want." He needed some fucking sleep, needed less papers, and it was all thanks to this popularity she spoke of that he couldn't get that.

" _Levi_ -" She almost whined, but then stopped herself and corrected,"Sir, please take this one in. Just this once, and I hope some miracle happens and you accept him. We need-"

"New innovative youth, like yourself, which won't stop nagging until she gets what she wants. Send him in."

Petra giggled good naturedly."Right away."

Levi sighed and returned his attention back to his work, not giving whoever it was the time of day as he knocked on the door then stepped inside, the door clicking shut behind him. He continued eyeing his papers as he removed his cigarette from his lips and exhaled, waiting for the expected choked cough and untold complaint about the amount of smoke in the air.

This one not only coughed, and did complain with a strangled "Fuck." But also strode over to the window behind Levi's desk without so much as an apology, opened it to it's full capacity and breathed like they taught in first grade gym. Which was definitely a first.

Levi was intrigued, to say the least. He stared at the space in front of him and waited for him to return, which to his annoyance, he didn't. He put his pen down and swiveled around in his chair, leaning back in it and propping his chin in one hand. His half lidded gaze turned into that of surprise for a second, and he didn't know where he found the voice to coldly ask,"I assumed you were here for business, not to walk on sunshine and breathe cherry blossoms."

Of course he wasn't fazed one bit, just shrugged and turned around, propping his arms against the window sill and eyeing the CEO with a tilt of his head that he shouldn't have been bearing, if he was anyone else,that is.

"My name's Eren Jaeger and I applied like, a month ago and I was called in for a meeting. Here are my papers." He held them in front of Levi, and when the man didn't make and effort to take them out of his hand, he placed them on his desk.

Levi ducked his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, and the fucker clearly showed up at the most inconvenient time because the window was open and Levi was sleepless enough to commit a crime.He didn't know what to say, though, when Eren threw his head back and started cackling like an idiot. He stared at him, confused, until his episode was over, and the younger inhaled deeply before looking back at Levi with a lopsided grin. "You paled there for a second."

He then plopped onto Levi's lap with the same lack of permission and hugged him tightly, burying his face in raven hair."I live to catch you off guard, don't I?"

"No."Levi responded, muffled in the younger's chest."You live to be my shitty brat."

He could practically feel Eren smiling into his hair, and then, more softly,"No more tears?"

"Depends on how much time and effort you're willing to put into it."

"How much did you?"

Levi smiled to himself with no real mirth."A lot."

"Okay. So will I."

"Don't promise something you aren't capable of."

"But I am."

"No."

"I promise. A thousand more."

Levi paused at the words, breathed Eren's scent in and smiled for real this time. "I'll mark those and hold you responsible for them."

"Deal."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO ZE LOVELY READERS:
> 
> Um, I just wanted to be a sap and thank you all for the continuous support (because you were all so committed to this fic, I swear) and feedback and I had so much fun writing this, laughing at your angry comments then feeling guilty omg. I was going to make this last chapter sad, but I sort of value my life,so.yush.good day.


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